NOT SO CLEAN HUMOR. . .
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?
Nine times out of ten you'll get an onion with long
ears. But once, just once, in ten you'll get a piece of ass that'll
bring tears to your eyes.
How are a soda machine and Monica Lewinski alike???
... Both say "Insert Bill Here."
Did you hear why Bill Clinton has decided to resigned?..…
Apparently Monica coughed up new evidence.
Q: What’s the difference between a blond and
A: When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking
Clinton’s secretary walked into his office.
He asked her if she wanted to see his Clock. She
Then he pulled down his pants and she said that’s
not a clock, its a cock.
He said yes it is, and all it needs is two hands
and a face.
What do a blond and a turtle have in common?
Whenever they end up on their back, they’re
A dead man was sent to the devil for his punishment
for all his sins. The devil said, "I'll give you three choices",
so the man agreed. The devil took him into the first room and
the man saw a man been beaten with a stick. This was not his cup
of tea so they moved to the next room. In there he saw an old
man being torched with fire. He definitely did not want this so
he saw the third room. In there, there was an old man getting
a blow-job from a beautiful young woman. He jumped at the chance
so the devil said to the girl "OK you've done your time".
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces
various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine
that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud
"hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping
sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms
are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss.
Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man
taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just
the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well,
that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's
great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My
elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend
offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store
that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor."
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It
only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled
a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding
the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The
computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper
on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this
new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,
he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided
to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To
top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
The next day, he went back to the drug store, located
the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him de-wormer. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put
her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin
girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t
stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
An Englishman, and Irishman, and an Australian walk
into a strip bar. The English man walks up to the stripper and
puts $5 in her G-String. The Australian thinks, "I've gotta
beat this bloody pom," so he walks up and puts $10 in the
strippers G-String. The Irishman was wondering how he could beat
these 2 guys, so he walks up to the stripper, pulls out his credit
card and swipes it.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Give Him A Hand!
A college professor had just finished explaining
an important research project to his class. He emphasized that
this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,
and that there would be only three acceptable excuses for being
late. Those were a medically certifiable illness, their death
or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom
called out, "Professor, what about extreme sexual exhaustion!?"
The class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally
settled down, the professor glared at the student and said, "Well,
I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally
a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 1221."
So how does bungee jumping resemble having sex with
They both cost about a $100
They both last about the same amount of time.
If the rubber breaks you're dead!
The Best Choice...
A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends,
does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one
$5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover
with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure,
pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money
so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs,
a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the
man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money
because I love you so much."
The third girl takes the $5,000.00 and invests it
in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00
to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing
the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of
the women used the money he gave to them.
Finally, he decided to marry the one with the biggest
A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she
brought in rolls of
Lifesavers of all flavors. "Children," she announced,
passing out the Lifesavers, "I'd like you to close your eyes
and taste these and tell
me what flavor they are." The kids managed to identify the
taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave
honey-flavored Lifesavers, every one was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher "It's
something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the
Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit'em
out, they're assholes!"
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and
down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees
her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous!
earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just
got my checkup
and my doctor says I have breasts of an eighteen-year-old."
starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right.
did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
Your name never came up..." she replied
A ventriloquist was driving through Texas when he
has some car
trouble near a small town. He pulled into the local service station
and the mechanic said he could have the car fixed in about an
So the guy was looking for some way to kill some time when he
spotted a local farmer with some of his animals wandering walking
towards a market. So the ventriloquist thinks to himself, "I
spend a little time having some fun with this guy."
He walks up to the farmer and says, "Sir, this is a mighty
looking horse ya got here. Do you mind if I ask him a few questions?"
The farmers said, "But that horse can't talk..."
And the ventriloquist went around to the front of the horse and
said, "How do you like living on the farm? Then, in his best
made the horse appear to answer, "Its great, plenty of salt-licks
and the works not too hard. They groom my mane every week, so
like it a lot."
The farmer was in total shock over his horse's new found voice
when the ventriloquist said, "Mind if I ask your hound a
The farmer stammered a bit and said, "But the dog... it don't
talk..." And so the man walked up to the dog and said, "How
does this guy
treat you?" "Oh," said the ventriloquist in his
best dog-voice, "he's really nice. There's always food in
my dish and he takes me hunting. Then his woman rubs my belly."
This confounded the farmer and so the ventriloquist said, "Look,
I don't want to take any more of your time, but before I go, do
you mind if I ask your sheep a question?"
And the farmer said, "That sheep there is a big, fat liar!"
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets
in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot
tall, 350 pounds, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his
face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, my
name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,
"Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me."
tells her that the boys at school are using two
words he doesn't understand. She asks him what
they are. He tells her "well, pussy and bitch." She
says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our
little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop
in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys
at school are using words I don't know and I asked
mom and I don't think she told me the exact
meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to
mom with these matters, she can't handle them.
What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the
shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of
the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this
circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
he says, "everything outside that circle."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a
sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that
he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how
I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.
A very depressed man walked into a bar and ordered
triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I
got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man
second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed such a
stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man
finished the second scotch, the curious bartender asked
"So, what did you do?"
"Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through," the man
continued, "Then, I told her to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about
your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said,
A guy about 25 yrs old from Alabama got married.
His new wife and
him then went on the honeymoon. When he came back his dad asked
how the honeymoon was. The son then said "I divorced the
His father then asked why he had done so soon after they got
married. The son replied, "I divorced her because she was
The dad then said, "Well if she ain't good enough for her
then she sure as hell ain't good enough for mine!"
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the
owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the
day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him
John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like
old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time
used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess
what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get
at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What
is politics?" Dad
says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way...
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call
the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll
you 'The People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money,
we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother...
we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if
it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking
about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby
brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what
you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing
the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People
are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of
the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place
and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here",
the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's
also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall?
That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was
on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy
"Not only that, but you see that window over
there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things
outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet
before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first
"Not at all, take a look", the other
man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by
the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls
out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!",
the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again."
And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50
feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and
sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast",
"Well, what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try",
the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and
SPLAT!....ends up as a grease-spot on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his
death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back
to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with
the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real asshole
when you're drunk".
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided
to go to the
party. In as much as her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick
he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather
babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally,
since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of
the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped
away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same
You know I never have a good time when you're not
there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced
one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple
decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to
have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
The doctor told the man that he was to go home,
get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his
and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be
the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in
next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second
opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they
were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home
and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold
it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count, "1,
2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between
legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders
three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one
at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have
two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm
in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All
the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back
the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then
a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he
"everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Maria just got married, and being a traditional
Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying
her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother
reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took
off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria runs
downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria,"
mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again
Maria runs downstairs to her mother. "Mama,
mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't
worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony
took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three
toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs.
"Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says
the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out
and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had
sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about
an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how
many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the
boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had
no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no
idea your father was a pharmacist!"
A farmer had five female pigs and times were getting
tough, so he went to country fair to sell his pigs.
At the fair, he came across a farmer who had five
male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away
from each other so they agreed to each drive 30miles, and find
a field to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs
got up at 5:00 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
which was the only vehicle he had left and drove 30 miles. While
the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, "How
will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied,
"If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're
pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning, the pigs were rolling in the mud
so he hosed them down, loaded them again into the family
station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, MUD again! This continued
all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he
couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife and
said, "Honey, look outside and tell me if the pigs are in
or in the field".
"Neither one," yelled his wife, "They're
in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven
one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so
St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's
getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while
I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today
I came home early and try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell something was wrong, but all my searching
around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony,
and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really
mad, so I started beating on him and kicking
him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So, after several minutes, I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for too long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but
okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the
edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger had gotten to me, and I
had a heart attack and died right there on the
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"
said St. Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him
about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I
live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well,
this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell straight over the edge. But, I got
lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the
balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the
best I could until he ran into the apartment and
grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands, just wailing away on 'em. Finally I let
go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking
I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling
out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that
sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and
again the whole process was repeated. St. Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm
hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned
a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of
"Custer's Last Thought". The artist was
told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the
debacle at the Little Bighorn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio.
After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an
enormous oil painting. Finally, after months of
work, the painting is unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue
lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is
a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows
are covered with naked Native American couples
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what
he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks,
"What the hell has this got to do with Custer's
The artist says, "It's simple; Custer's last
thought had to have been, Holy Mackerel! Where did all
these fucking Indians come from?"
A man was driving along a Los Angeles freeway one
day when traffic came to an abrupt stop. After
sitting there for awhile and wondering what was
wrong he noticed a police officer walking between
the rows of stopped cars. Rolling down the window
he called to the policeman.
"Hey officer," he said, "what's
"Oh its O.J.," says the officer. "He
just heard the jury went against him and it depressed him so
much, you know, having to pay $12 million to the
families, and how was he going to raise that much
money and all that, he just wondered out here sat
down in the middle of freeway."
"Can't you do anything about it?" asked
"Well the problem is he's threatened to pour
gasoline on himself and set himself on fire. So I'm out
here taking up a collection for him"
"Oh really. How much do you have so far?"
"About 20 gallons," says the cop.
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly
collections from all the private businesses that they were
protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force,
they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get
caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the
police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks
up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and
stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes
that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods off
after the man.
The hoods find the collector and ask him where
the money is. The deaf guy can't communicate with them, so the
mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask
him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector replies, "I don't know
what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear
of the deaf man while yelling, "NOW ask him where
the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector replies, "The $40,000 is
in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the
hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls
to pull the trigger."
A flea died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met
it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could
spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know
how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?"
Flea: "Yes Saint Peter, I have thought about
it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a
rich lady's dog."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later Saint Peter was wondering about
the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"
Flea: "Oh Saint Peter, I made a terrible mistake.
This old broad washes her dog two to three times
a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I
have a headache from the smell."
SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed
to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest
of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy.
Have you thought about what else you might like to
Flea: "Oh yes Saint Peter! I have thought
about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to
spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity Saint Peter checked on the flea
a few weeks later.
SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"
Flea: "I'm sorry Saint Peter, I'm not doing
well at all. I get waked up in the middle of the night, get
drenched with beer, foul language all the time
and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that
flies around. It's Hell! Saint Peter, I'm miserable!"
SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to
be able to change your mind about how you spend the
rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have
you considered what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh Saint Peter, YES! I HAVE thought
about it and I have decided that I'd like to spend the
rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity Saint Peter
decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: "How's it going flea?"
Flea: "Oh hi Saint Peter, well, it's kind
of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots
of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a
lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that
made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and
I don't quite remember all that happened, but
would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's
A man died and went to Hell. Upon arrival he met
with the CDIC (Chief Devil In Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays,
you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad. Whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors,
you look inside, assess the situation, and then tell
me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room
full of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same
situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks even worse! Got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room
full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit stinks, but I could stand the
smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and
locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and
a loud speaker says "Alright, the fuckin'
break is over, back on your heads!"
King Arthur is planning on going away on one of
his long crusades which usually last a couple months. He is very
protective over his wife and wants to ensure her
faith- fullness to him.
So he decides to visit his loyal blacksmith and
asks him to create a full-proof chastity belt. The blacksmith
acknowledges his wishes and proceeds to create
a chastity belt using the finest materials available in the kingdom
and with dedicated workmanship.
After one week of toiling away in the shop, the
chastity belt is completed and the blacksmith presents the work
art to King Arthur. King Arthur looks at the chastity
belt and a inquisitive look creeps onto his face.
"Yes, this chastity belt is of fine quality...but
what is this? There is a HOLE right in the middle of it! What
good is a
chastity belt with a hole in the middle of it?!!"
King Arthur says.
The blacksmith shrudely replies, "Ahhh, my
majesty, this is no ordinary chastity belt. It has special properties
allow me to demonstrate".
The blacksmith grabs a broom and shoves the handle
into the hole existing in the middle of the chastity belt. In
flash, a guillotine blade from within the belt
bolts out and slices the broom stick handle into two pieces.
"Why, that's perfect! This is indeed a fine
piece of workmanship. I can concentrate on my crusade knowing
my wife will remain chaste!" exclaims King
So off goes King Arthur on his crusade and after
he achieves victory, he comes back into his kingdom. When he
meets with the knights of the Round Table, all
of the knights have the tip of their penis cut off except for
King Arthur curses all of the knights for attempting
to sleep with his wife, but he praises Sir Lancelot.
"Lancelot, you are truly my most loyal knight!
To show my gratitude, I shall grant you any wish that you desire,"
King Arthur says.
"Phthell, Ith wouldth liketh to geth my tongueth
backth ifth ith wouldn'th be too muchth throubleth!" blurts
A man goes into a bar with a small box. He asks
the bartender, "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever
will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but I have to warn
you, I've seen a LOT of things in my time."
The man says, "Yeah, but you've never seen
anything like this." So he opens the box and there sits a
little man at a
piano, jamming away. He plays Bach, he plays Beethoven,
he plays it all. The bartender is impressed, to say the
"That IS the neatest thing I've ever seen!
Where did you get him?" the bartender asks.
"Well, I was walking on the beach, found this
lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,"
the man said.
The bartender eyes the lamp. "Do you think
I could have a wish, too?" he asks.
"Sure," says the man. So the bartender
rubs the lamp, the genie pops out, and the bartender says, "I
want a million
POOF! The bar is filled with ducks. They're flying
around, they're crapping on everything, they are
The bartender yells at the man, "Why didn't
you tell me that genie wasn't worth a damn?"
The man replies, "You don't REALLY think I
wished for a twelve-inch PIANIST, do you?"
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While
driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I
miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the
speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he
drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear
a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are
trapped in the car. "Go get help!" he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and
says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to
the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic
yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her
crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss, but he's too far in."
One day there were three men on a bus. They were
a beggar, a guy who couldn't help telling dirty jokes, and a
homosexual. The bus crashed and the men were all
killed in the accident. Since they had all done horrible things
their lives, they were sent to hell. The devil
proclaimed that he would give them each another chance as long
they did not do the thing they loved most. They
all agreed to this and were instantly brought back to life.
Alive again, the three of them were walking down
the street together. For some reason or another, a joke popped
into the one man's head. Unable to resist, he blurted
out the joke. The moment he did so the man disappeared.
The other two men became terrified and started
to run down a side street. While running, the beggar saw a twenty
dollar note on the ground and decided that he couldn't
live all his life running from what he loved. So with the fag
by his side, he bent over to pick up the money.
And they both disappeared...
The young man working in the produce department
of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who
said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The
young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would
have to check with the store manager.
So the produce clerk went to the store manager's
office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office
said, "There's some dumbhead out here who
wants to buy just half a head of lettuce." Then, noticing
customer had come up behind him, he added, "And
this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager said, "Sell it."
Later, the manager sought out this young man and
complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way
he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation.
"You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact,
want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal."
The clerk responded, "Montreal!! The only
people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why
would I want to go to Montreal?!" When the
manager said icily, "My wife happens to be from Montreal,"
clerk came right back with, "Really? What
position does she play?"
So, it seems that this old guy is the stud of the
nursing home. One of his friends asks him to sit with her at the
movies that night, and he asks her, "What's
in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold
your penis in my hand during the movie."
"OK, then, I'll go!" he says.
Later that day, another woman asks him to sit with
her during the movie, and he asks the same question: "What's
in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold
your penis in my hand in the dark."
"Great! I'll go!" he says.
That night, as he's sitting with the second woman
in the theater, the first woman approaches them and says, "I
thought that we were going to the movies tonight!
What does she have that I don't!?"
"Well," he says, a bit sheepishly, "Parkinson's."
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a
captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed
to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First
quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which
the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding
Although some casualties occurred among the crew,
the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there
were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew
cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever
bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the
on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled
both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck
that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign
looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why
did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only
a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle,
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men
will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage
of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout
screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them,
all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain,
their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever,
bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
On his five-year-old's first day of school, the
concerned father gave last minute instructions. "You can't
talk baby talk at school
like you do at home," he said, "so don't
say 'bow-wow,' say 'dog.' Don't say 'moo-moo,' say 'cow.' And
ask to go to the
bathroom, not to 'go tinkle.'" The boy nodded
and off he went.
An hour later, the school principal called and asked
the father to come in for a conference about his son.
"What's the problem?" the worried dad
"Well, Mr. Hall," the administrator said,
"your son is using inappropriate language in class."
"I don't believe it," the father protested.
"What did he say?"
"When the teacher asked what story he'd like
her to read aloud, your son said, well, ahem, ah...."
"What?" the anxious father demanded.
"He said," the principal blurted out,
"that he wanted her to read Winnie the Shit."
I'm sure I'll go to hell for this one, but seeing
as how I've had numerous school problems recently, I just couldn't
Having just passed away, a little old lady made
her way up to the Gates of Heaven. Upon arriving, she knocks on
the pearly structures, thus summoning St. Peter.
His voice bellows over her as he asks, "Who is it?"
"It is I," replies the old woman.
"Fuck," St. Peter exclaims, "not
another English teacher!!"
Three men, an American, a Brit, and a Scott were
walking home along a country road. After about a mile,
they came across a sheep entangled in a wire fence,
with it's rear exposed to them while it bucked and kicked.
As they all looked at the helpless animal, the
American made the comment, "Boy, I sure wish that was Cindy
Crawford right there!"
"Cindy Crawford," said the Scott, "Nah,
I wish it was Elizabeth Hurley in that position!"
"Not me," replied the Brit, "I wish
it was dark!"
The End (for now)
Not So Clean Jokes
Did You Know...
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