Kevin J. BegleyAttorney at Law
CONSTRUCTION AND ENGINERING LAW |
 "Justice, the guardian of liberty" |
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Kevin J. Begley |
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? Nine times out of ten you'll get an onion with long ears. But once, just once, in ten you'll get a piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes.
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How are a soda machine and Monica Lewinski alike??? ... Both say "Insert Bill Here."
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Did you hear why Bill Clinton has decided to resigned?..… Apparently Monica coughed up new evidence.
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Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?
A: When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking
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Clinton’s secretary walked into his office. He asked her if she wanted to see his Clock. She said yes. Then he pulled down his pants and she said that’s not a clock, its a cock. He said yes it is, and all it needs is two hands and a face.
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What do a blond and a turtle have in common? Whenever they end up on their back, they’re screwed!
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A dead man was sent to the devil for his punishment for all his sins. The devil said, "I'll give you three choices", so the man agreed. The devil took him into the first room and the man saw a man been beaten with a stick. This was not his cup of tea so they moved to the next room. In there he saw an old man being torched with fire. He definitely did not want this so he saw the third room. In there, there was an old man getting a blow-job from a beautiful young woman. He jumped at the chance so the devil said to the girl "OK you've done your time".
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A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor." "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
The next day, he went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him de-wormer. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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An Englishman, and Irishman, and an Australian walk into a strip bar. The English man walks up to the stripper and puts $5 in her G-String. The Australian thinks, "I've gotta beat this bloody pom," so he walks up and puts $10 in the strippers G-String. The Irishman was wondering how he could beat these 2 guys, so he walks up to the stripper, pulls out his credit card and swipes it.
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THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
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Give Him A Hand!
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only three acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness, their death or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom called out, "Professor, what about extreme sexual exhaustion!?" The class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor glared at the student and said, "Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So how does bungee jumping resemble having sex with a hooker?
They both cost about a $100 They both last about the same amount of time. If the rubber breaks you're dead!
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The Best Choice... A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends, does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third girl takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women used the money he gave to them. Finally, he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
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A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she
brought in rolls of ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and
down on her bed ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ventriloquist was driving through Texas when he
has some car ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets
in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did god invent alcohol? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very depressed man walked into a bar and ordered
a ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy about 25 yrs old from Alabama got married.
His new wife and ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the
owner of an old
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What
is politics?" Dad ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!....ends up as a grease-spot on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk".
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs downstairs to her mother. "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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A farmer had five female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to country fair to sell his pigs.
At the fair, he came across a farmer who had five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive 30miles, and find a field to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left and drove 30 miles. While the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning, the pigs were rolling in the mud so he hosed them down, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, MUD again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife and said, "Honey, look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field".
"Neither one," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn!"
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So, after several minutes, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for too long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger had gotten to me, and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said St. Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell straight over the edge. But, I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands, just wailing away on 'em. Finally I let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. St. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of "Custer's Last Thought". The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Bighorn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after months of work, the painting is unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist says, "It's simple; Custer's last thought had to have been, Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
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A man was driving along a Los Angeles freeway one day when traffic came to an abrupt stop. After sitting there for awhile and wondering what was wrong he noticed a police officer walking between the rows of stopped cars. Rolling down the window he called to the policeman.
"Hey officer," he said, "what's the holdup?"
"Oh its O.J.," says the officer. "He just heard the jury went against him and it depressed him so much, you know, having to pay $12 million to the families, and how was he going to raise that much money and all that, he just wondered out here sat down in the middle of freeway."
"Can't you do anything about it?" asked the motorist.
"Well the problem is he's threatened to pour gasoline on himself and set himself on fire. So I'm out here taking up a collection for him"
"Oh really. How much do you have so far?"
"About 20 gallons," says the cop.
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The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods off after the man.
The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf guy can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf man while yelling, "NOW ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
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A flea died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?" Flea: "Yes Saint Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog." SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later Saint Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?" Flea: "Oh Saint Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell." SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?" Flea: "Oh yes Saint Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard." SP: "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity Saint Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?" Flea: "I'm sorry Saint Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell! Saint Peter, I'm miserable!" SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have you considered what else you might like to do?" Flea: "Oh Saint Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush." SP: "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity Saint Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: "How's it going flea?" Flea: "Oh hi Saint Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
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A man died and went to Hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil In Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad. Whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, you look inside, assess the situation, and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: Okay.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room full of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me. What's next?
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks even worse! Got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit stinks, but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, the fuckin' break is over, back on your heads!"
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King Arthur is planning on going away on one of his long crusades which usually last a couple months. He is very protective over his wife and wants to ensure her faith- fullness to him.
So he decides to visit his loyal blacksmith and asks him to create a full-proof chastity belt. The blacksmith acknowledges his wishes and proceeds to create a chastity belt using the finest materials available in the kingdom and with dedicated workmanship.
After one week of toiling away in the shop, the chastity belt is completed and the blacksmith presents the work of art to King Arthur. King Arthur looks at the chastity belt and a inquisitive look creeps onto his face.
"Yes, this chastity belt is of fine quality...but what is this? There is a HOLE right in the middle of it! What good is a chastity belt with a hole in the middle of it?!!" King Arthur says.
The blacksmith shrudely replies, "Ahhh, my majesty, this is no ordinary chastity belt. It has special properties -- allow me to demonstrate".
The blacksmith grabs a broom and shoves the handle into the hole existing in the middle of the chastity belt. In a flash, a guillotine blade from within the belt bolts out and slices the broom stick handle into two pieces.
"Why, that's perfect! This is indeed a fine piece of workmanship. I can concentrate on my crusade knowing that my wife will remain chaste!" exclaims King Arthur.
So off goes King Arthur on his crusade and after he achieves victory, he comes back into his kingdom. When he meets with the knights of the Round Table, all of the knights have the tip of their penis cut off except for Sir Lancelot.
King Arthur curses all of the knights for attempting to sleep with his wife, but he praises Sir Lancelot.
"Lancelot, you are truly my most loyal knight! To show my gratitude, I shall grant you any wish that you desire," King Arthur says.
"Phthell, Ith wouldth liketh to geth my tongueth backth ifth ith wouldn'th be too muchth throubleth!" blurts out Lancelot.
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A man goes into a bar with a small box. He asks the bartender, "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but I have to warn you, I've seen a LOT of things in my time."
The man says, "Yeah, but you've never seen anything like this." So he opens the box and there sits a little man at a piano, jamming away. He plays Bach, he plays Beethoven, he plays it all. The bartender is impressed, to say the least.
"That IS the neatest thing I've ever seen! Where did you get him?" the bartender asks.
"Well, I was walking on the beach, found this lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish," the man said.
The bartender eyes the lamp. "Do you think I could have a wish, too?" he asks.
"Sure," says the man. So the bartender rubs the lamp, the genie pops out, and the bartender says, "I want a million bucks."
POOF! The bar is filled with ducks. They're flying around, they're crapping on everything, they are EVERYWHERE.
The bartender yells at the man, "Why didn't you tell me that genie wasn't worth a damn?"
The man replies, "You don't REALLY think I wished for a twelve-inch PIANIST, do you?"
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A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help!" he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss, but he's too far in."
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One day there were three men on a bus. They were a beggar, a guy who couldn't help telling dirty jokes, and a homosexual. The bus crashed and the men were all killed in the accident. Since they had all done horrible things in their lives, they were sent to hell. The devil proclaimed that he would give them each another chance as long as they did not do the thing they loved most. They all agreed to this and were instantly brought back to life.
Alive again, the three of them were walking down the street together. For some reason or another, a joke popped into the one man's head. Unable to resist, he blurted out the joke. The moment he did so the man disappeared. The other two men became terrified and started to run down a side street. While running, the beggar saw a twenty dollar note on the ground and decided that he couldn't live all his life running from what he loved. So with the fag by his side, he bent over to pick up the money. And they both disappeared...
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The young man working in the produce department of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would have to check with the store manager.
So the produce clerk went to the store manager's office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office and said, "There's some dumbhead out here who wants to buy just half a head of lettuce." Then, noticing that the customer had come up behind him, he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager said, "Sell it."
Later, the manager sought out this young man and complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation. "You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact, I want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal."
The clerk responded, "Montreal!! The only people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why would I want to go to Montreal?!" When the manager said icily, "My wife happens to be from Montreal," the clerk came right back with, "Really? What position does she play?"
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So, it seems that this old guy is the stud of the nursing home. One of his friends asks him to sit with her at the movies that night, and he asks her, "What's in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold your penis in my hand during the movie."
"OK, then, I'll go!" he says.
Later that day, another woman asks him to sit with her during the movie, and he asks the same question: "What's in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold your penis in my hand in the dark."
"Great! I'll go!" he says.
That night, as he's sitting with the second woman in the theater, the first woman approaches them and says, "I thought that we were going to the movies tonight! What does she have that I don't!?"
"Well," he says, a bit sheepishly, "Parkinson's."
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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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On his five-year-old's first day of school, the concerned father gave last minute instructions. "You can't talk baby talk at school like you do at home," he said, "so don't say 'bow-wow,' say 'dog.' Don't say 'moo-moo,' say 'cow.' And ask to go to the bathroom, not to 'go tinkle.'" The boy nodded and off he went.
An hour later, the school principal called and asked the father to come in for a conference about his son.
"What's the problem?" the worried dad asked.
"Well, Mr. Hall," the administrator said, "your son is using inappropriate language in class."
"I don't believe it," the father protested. "What did he say?"
"When the teacher asked what story he'd like her to read aloud, your son said, well, ahem, ah...."
"What?" the anxious father demanded.
"He said," the principal blurted out, "that he wanted her to read Winnie the Shit."
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I'm sure I'll go to hell for this one, but seeing as how I've had numerous school problems recently, I just couldn't resist:
Having just passed away, a little old lady made her way up to the Gates of Heaven. Upon arriving, she knocks on the pearly structures, thus summoning St. Peter. His voice bellows over her as he asks, "Who is it?"
"It is I," replies the old woman.
"Fuck," St. Peter exclaims, "not another English teacher!!"
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Three men, an American, a Brit, and a Scott were walking home along a country road. After about a mile, they came across a sheep entangled in a wire fence, with it's rear exposed to them while it bucked and kicked.
As they all looked at the helpless animal, the American made the comment, "Boy, I sure wish that was Cindy Crawford right there!"
"Cindy Crawford," said the Scott, "Nah, I wish it was Elizabeth Hurley in that position!"
"Not me," replied the Brit, "I wish it was dark!"
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The End (for now) Law Jokes |
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