Kevin J. Begley, Construction and Enginering Law

Humor

LEGAL HUMOR

I collect lawyer jokes.

Someone smart once said, "you have to be able to laugh at yourself." OK, so he said it more than once, the point is, I have a small collection of lawyer jokes, and thought you may enjoy them, so here they are... (As I said, I love lawyer jokes, but some people don't, So I've included links to a few pages of non-legal humor. Hope you enjoy them.)

Legal Humor…

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. -- Jean Giraudoux

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

A: People take off their shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute stops screwing you when you’re dead.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a lesbian?
A: A lawyer who won't screw you.

Q; What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

* To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

* There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:

* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

* Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)

* ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

* He gets taller.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through

a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it

and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only

grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "Me first! Me first!" says

the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a

care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit your finger between the rope and his neck.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: None, lawyers only screw us.

A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A4: How many can you afford?

A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!!

A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership.!

A9: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill: Item Light bulb Charge $2185 (Itemization of bill charges) Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400 Connectivity charge $ 100 Staff charge $ 250 Secretary prepared bill $ 2 Research fee $ 422 Consulting fee $ 431 Paralegal processing fees $ 25 Specialized equipment $ 122 Bought bulb $ 5 Overnight express delivery $ 34 Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394 A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership.!

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.

He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?!

"3 dollars an ounce.!

"How much for doctor brain?!

"4 dollars an ounce.!

"How much for lawyer brain?!

"100 dollars an ounce.!

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?!

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?!

COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

*******************************************************

1300.01 GENERAL LAWS

1. Any person with a valid Massachusetts hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?

A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

A lawyer dies & meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

Stammering in incredulity at his untimely demise, he grabs St Peter by the robes & insists there's been some kind of mistake.

"I'm too young to die!" he yells, "I'm only 38 years old!"

St. Peter takes the lawyer's hands off him, straightens his robe, & consults the Book of Life.

"I think I've found the problem," he says, "Judging by the number of hours you've billed, we thought you were 82."

Quotable Cops

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And the best …

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here."

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