Kevin J. BegleyAttorney at Law
CONSTRUCTION AND ENGINERING LAW |
 "Justice, the guardian of liberty" |
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Kevin J. Begley |
CLEAN HUMOR. . .
I love lawyer jokes, but some people don't, So I've included a few pages of non-legal humor. Hope you enjoy them.
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FUNNY FABLES
"The Full-O-Shit Fable"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.
The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
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"Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are jokes from women bashing men, and from men bashing women. Well, what fun is sexism if it doesn't go both ways... Enjoy.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
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Why is a beer better than a woman?
You can enjoy a beer all month long. A frigid beer is good. A beer doesn't care when you come. When a beer goes flat you can toss it. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. A beer never gets a headache. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head. You can share a beer with a friend. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer. A beer is always wet. You can have a beer in public. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. A beer doesn't get pregnant. A beer doesn't have parents. You can say whatever you want to a beer. A beer doesn't care if you are late. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
Tough Final
This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: '(95 points) Which tire?'
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Bull Shit
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy".
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing he side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein.
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
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One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, andthen about 200 men walking in single file.Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "Mywife", the man replied. "Im sorry", said Dave, "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she diedas well."Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line," replied the man.
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Adam is walking in the garden of Eden and has his head down. God walks over and says "My son I see you are depressed, how can I help?".
Adam looks at GOD and says" Father you have givin me a beautiful world to live. Good food to eat. Plenty of things to do. But I need a mate."
God rubs his chin and replies" My Son, Ill give you a woman. One that will cook for you, worship you, make love to you all night. But I need one of your legs to make her."
Adam thinks for a moment and says, "What can I get for a Rib?"
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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
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PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds. 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit. 15:00 Nap. 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage. 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower (alone). 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Sex. 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under). 11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Sex. 12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under). 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini). 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap). 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew. 16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs). 17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy Ireland. 18:45 Shit, shower and shave. 19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns - Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. 19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963) 20 oz. New York steak 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar. 21:30 Sex with three women. 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 23:45 Bed (alone). 23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart -- dog leaves room. 23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.
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God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time."
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A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "damn it Ginger! "Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "damn it Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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“The Plan” In the beginning was the plan… And the Employees went unto their Supervisors, saying, And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
And the Directors went unto their Executive Directors,
saying, And the Executive Directors went unto the President,
saying, And the President went unto the Board of Directors,
saying, And the Board of Directors looked upon the plan
and saw that it was good; And this is how shit happens. News Flash:
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the
body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun
wound to the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story
building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect
indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased
was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that
Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, “a
person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended”
is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level,
but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful
because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel
that he had a homicide on his hands. An elderly man and his wife
occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast
emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening
her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through
the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject
A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder
of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old
man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought
the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared
to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to
the fatal accident. It (A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)
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Santa is dead… Here are 5 reasons to expose the myth of Santa Claus: I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) In the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set weighing two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Sorry....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End. . . (for now) Law Jokes |
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