Kevin J. Begley, Construction and Enginering Law

Humor

BLOND HUMOR. . .

Well, many of these are off-color jokes, so... if you may find them offensive,

go back and check out another area of my website!

Here goes...

What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?

A blonde will screw anyone, a bitch will screw anyone but you.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that

her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him

"Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that the phrase

"love handles" referred to her ears?

Did you hear about the blonde that thought sex was a pain in the ass until

someone told her to turn over?

While on vacation the blonde sent home this postcard: "Having a wonderful time. Where am I???

How does a blonde brush her teeth?

She holds the tooth brush and moves her head up and down.

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew them both.

Blonde Medical Terminology:

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favoring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small table

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumor -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited

How do you know when a blonde has been eating?

There is a belt buckle mark on her forehead.

Why were the blonde's lips all blistered?

She tried to blow out a light bulb.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an

affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes

home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and

holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with

her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,

"Shut up... you're next!"

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

How is a blonde like a shot gun? One cock and she’s ready to blow.

A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

Her ankles.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender: "What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

What do you call a blonde with a pea-sized brain?

Gifted.

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.

The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, because I conceived while I was on my back".

The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, because I was on top during conception".

The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q. - Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A. - Because they go answer the door.

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!

Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out.

The genie said that he would grant them each a wish. The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.

There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?

The Blonde, she was 18.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot

There was a group of people standing around
talking about how stupid blondes are. There was a
blonde female in the group and she was really
offended, so she told them that they were being
unfair and she told them that she is really smart,
and blonde too. So they asked her if she knew all
the states and capitols, and she said, yes of
course. So they asked what the capitol of
Wisconsin was, and the blonde said, "W."

What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?

The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.

How do blonde's brain cells die?

Alone.

Two blonde roommates went shopping one day. On the way, one blonde told the other that she had forgotten to switch off the iron. The second blonde turned to her friend and very coolly assured her that the house would not catch fire as she had left the tap running.

How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?

Wave to her!

What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?

I hope it's mine.

What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?

A blonde doing cartwheels.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

Or…

What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 40?

Gifted.

Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?

Because every time their head hits a pillow their legs open.

How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?

She falls out of the tree!

Why do blonde's like sunroofs?

More legroom.

How are UFO’s and smart blondes the same?

You always hear about them, but never see one.

Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?

Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

Q. - Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A. - A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes knickers?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What’s black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: Why is a blond like MacDonalds?
A: They've served billions and billions of customers.

Q: Why did the blond have TGIF written in her shoes?
A: To remind her that Toes Go In First.

Q: Why did the blond have C and A in her nickers?
A1: To remind her where her Cunt and Auns go!.
A2: She won't be wearing them for long so it doesn't matter.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain cell?
A1: Gifted.
A2: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blondes wear knickers? **
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What's the mating call of a blond? ***
A: I'm soooo drunk.

Q: What's the mating call of an ugly blond? ***
A: I SAID I'M SOOOO DRUNK!!

Q: Did you hear about the army blonde who was posted to Africa? ****
A: She couldn't get out of the envelope!!

Q: What do a blonde and a tortise have in common?
A: When on their backs they're both fucked!!

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? #*
A: A mosquito stops sucking once you've slapped it!

Three blondes were stuck on an island several miles from the mainland. They are trying to find something to get them back. Suddenly one of them finds a bottle and rubs it, out pops a genie. "You each have one wish and one wish only!" said the genie. The first blonde sits down and thinks as hard as she can...."I wish I could swim!" In a puff of smoke she develops the I.Q. of a blonde swimmer and swims to the mainland. "Wow", says the second blonde. "Ok I wish I could jump an amazingly long way." Her thighs and calves suddenly swell to a stupid size and she jumps back to the mainland. The third blonde stands still and stares in amazement. "I wish I could be a brunette!" and so she walks over the bridge, to the mainland!

One day, a guy is waiting to get a can of Coke from a machine. In front of him is a blonde. She puts her 50p in and gets her drink, however she keeps doing it over and over again. After a while the guy gets pissed off, and says to her "Hey, there's other people waiting here too, you know" "Fuck off" replies the blonde, I'm winning"

3 scientists, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, are discussing the intelligence of each hair color. "Brunettes are clearly the most intelligent" proclaims the brunette. "The first woman in space was a brunette". "Ah, but..." argues the redhead. "The first woman to land on the moon was a redhead" Not wishing to be outdone, the blonde stands up and proudly says "Blondes are the most intelligent of all - the first woman to land on the Sun will be blonde!!" The other two start laughing, saying "She'll be fried to death, you idiot!!" To which the Blonde replies: "Oh, you think all us blondes are stupid, don't you. However, we have got round this problem." The blonde pauses impressively. "How's that then?" ask the other two, interested. "She's going at night" the blonde replies proudly.

Two blondes are walking past a church, & stop to read the gravestones. "Hey!" one says. "This bloke was 182 years old!!" "Bloody hell" replies the other. "Who was he?" "Miles - from London"

A blonde decides to go for lessons with a professional golfer. She is not sure how to hold the club, so the pro says "That's easy- just hold it like you'd hold your husband's penis. Try it!" The blonde swings at the ball & hits it, but doesn't get much distance. "Very good" says the Pro. "Now try taking the club out of your mouth."

A young blonde couple are out cruising one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help. " She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in."

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

Blonde walks into work one day balling her eyes out and is really upset! Her boss asks her "what's wrong?" The blonde eventually stops sniveling enough to speak "My mother died this morning!" Her boss replies "If you're not feeling up to work, you are free to go home!" The blonde to this replies "I'll be alright, I need the money!!" A few hours pass, the boss walks passed the blonde's desk to see her looking happier! The boss checks back after lunch to see the blonde upset once again, he asks "What's wrong my dear?" Blonde answers, "I've just got a phone call, my sister's mum's died too!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The End (for now...)

Law Jokes
Clean Jokes
Not So Clean Jokes
Dirty Jokes
Blond Jokes
Aviation Humor
Did You Know...
Weird but true
Medical Humor
PC & Tech Humor
Strange Laws