Kevin J. Begley

"Justice, the guardian of liberty"

Humor

AVIATION HUMOR. . .

I'm a guy, so I like anything that moves under it's own power or by gravity. Planes, cars, motorcycles, trains, bicycles, etc., etc. Being an engineer, I'm worse than the average guy. I remember one occasion, when I found the custom CNC made brackets and triple-clamps on a 1976 MV-Agusta downright arousing...

Anyway, here are some humorous aviation anecdotes.

(From John Pegg, this is a true story... )

Detroit Departure: "Navajo N333PR, traffic, 8 o'clock, a DC-10, 3 miles."

N333PR: "I have a digital watch, where the heck is 8 o'clock?"

Detroit Departure: (after much laughing) "Look out your left window, slightly behind you."

I know this is true, as I was in the right seat on the Navajo when it occurred.

From: Paul Heyroth

Santa was visited by the FAA ( you know the "were just here to help guys") for his check ride. As Santa was about to take the active the Fed asked him to stop and let him get something out of his car. Meanwhile all the Reindeer were waiting impatiently to get into the air. When the examiner got back in with Santa Mr Claus was surprised to see the gentleman pull out a very large caliber pistol. Santa was instructed to take the active go through his normal pre-flight checklist. Just before Santa started to begin his takeoff roll the jolly examiner cocked the big pistol, leaned over and said, " by the way Santa just so you know, you are going to loose an engine on takeoff". And they say the FAA lacks a sense of humor.

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing at SJC with a rather high approach speed. San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well ... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ...did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ... and, yes, we copied and we've already notified our caterer."

I have it on good authority (Swissair former Chief Pilot) that this incident really happened one day in 1981. He swears he heard it while taxiing a DC-9-32, and said that afterward the inter-line cockpit chatter was a riot:

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird):

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgen. Taxi to your gate."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird: "Stand by ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird (cooly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't land ."

During the oral part of his commercial flight test the applicant got into a disagreement with the FAA check pilot over what controls airspeed. The FAA man insisted it was controlled by pitch and the applicant insisted it was controlled by power. After about 10 minutes of arguing there was no compromise. The FAA man said "enough of this, let's see if you can fly". After all the required items were done the two climbed in the aircraft and taxied to the active runway. Tower cleared the aircraft for takeoff. As the applicant lined up the aircraft on the centerline for takeoff, he began vigorously pumping the yoke back and forth. The FAA man watched this for about 10 seconds and asked the applicant what he was doing. The applicant replied with a grin " I'm building airspeed so we can takeoff!".

You may be a redneck pilot if:

- Your stall warning plays "Dixie".

- Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

- You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

- You've ever used moonshine as Avgas.

- You have mudflaps on your wheel pants.

- Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

- You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

- You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

- You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.

- The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.

- You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

- You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

- You refer to formation flying as "we got us a convoy".

- You're matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from the Piggly Wiggly.

- You have a black airplane with a big number 3 on the side.

- You've ever fuelled your airplane from a mason jar.

- You've got a gun rack over the ACES II Ejection Seat.

- You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.

- Your pre-flight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.

- You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the GC calculations.

- You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

- You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.

- You've ground looped after hitting a cow.

- You consider anything over 100" AGL to be high altitude flight.

- There are parts of your airplane labelled John Deer.

- You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.

- You answer all radio calls from females with, "That's a big 10-4 little darlin'".

- There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

- You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.

- You use your parachute to cover your plane.

- You've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee.

- Somewhere on your airplane is a "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker.

- You fly to family reunions to meet girls.

- You've won the "Barb Wire" award at a spot landing contest.

- Some of your favorite navigation aids have things like "Seniors 96" hand painted on them.

- The tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.

- Your primary Comm radio has 90 channels.

- Your hangar collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.

- You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

- You put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

- Your flight instructor's day job is at the community sales barn.

- You've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.

- There are grass stains on your propeller tips.

- There is a brown stained Styrofoam cup strategically placed in your glove box.

- The FAA still thinks you live at your parents house.

- You think Zulu is an African time zone.

- You navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.

- When you go to the airport cafe they hand you biscuits and gravy instead of a menu.

- You think that an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

- Just before the crash, everybody at the airport heard you say, "Hey y'all, watch this!!"

A True Story…

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, brightened up. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, measured more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun - figuring he could pop a few balloons when it came time to descend - and went back to the floating lawn chair where he strapped himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his backyard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out for Larry. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if he was shot from a cannon. He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he levelled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and find himself in trouble. So he stayed, there, drifting cold and frightened for more than 14 hours when he found himself in the primary approach corridor of LAX.

An airline pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea. Right on Larry's heels was the helicopter. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line, with which he was hauled back to shore, a difficult maneuver, flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew...

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue, ask him why he had done it. Larry Walters stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

- Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." - Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

- Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." - Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

- Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." - Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

- Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." - Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

- Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." - Solution: "Evidence removed."

- Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." - Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

- Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." - Solution: "Live bugs on order."

- Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." - Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

- Problem: "IFF inoperative." - Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

- Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." - Solution: "That's what they're there for."

- Problem: "Number three engine missing." - Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Christmas Pre-Flight

Santa Claus had just completed his preflight check prior to his annual Christmas Eve trip around the world and was startled to find a guy standing next to his sleigh.

Surprised, Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled inspection. I'll ride right seat tonight."

Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for nearly One Thousand years.

However, the FAA inspector insisted, and with a schedule to keep Santa finally replied "Get in and fasten your seat belt."

As Santa was going through the Pre-Takeoff checklist he looked over and saw the FAA inspector open his bag, remove a 12 gauge shotgun and load it with double-ought buckshot.

Frightened, Santa asked "Is this a hijacking?"

The FAA inspector growled, "No, You're going to lose number two on takeoff."

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